POSTED BY: Bowzer

So one day I’m on my computer doing my usual facebook routine and I get this friend request. I recognized him as a bartender that I had engaged in a drunken conversation with a couple of weeks or so prior. Hey, I’ll be honest, as long as you’re not some random, you’re in my network and I have met you at least once, I will always accept a friend request. This time was no different.

About a week goes by and I find myself at the bar of my new facebook friend, although I was way too drunk to remember this fact at the time. It was an admittedly sloppy night, so when I woke up I had my usual delusions of being a rockstar the night before. I quickly received a phone call from a buddy of mine that dashed my grandiose ideas of how awesome I was last night.

“Dude, you spent the whole night making out with some chick at the bar.”

Quick sidebar, I think one of the most embarrassing things a person can do while drunk is to make out at the bar like a raptor stuffing his face with his freshly killed prey. Even though each and every one of us has done it plenty of times, that makes it no less excusable. Public making out in any context is a sophomoric act that should be solely reserved for high school dances and kinky swingers parties. If you feel the need to kiss someone while at the bar, you need to find either a dark corner or a single bathroom with a lock on it.

But I digress. So my buddy and I shared a few laughs over the incident, I remarked how ugly the girl had to have been given my level of intoxication, and I figured the shame of last night’s poor choices would be gone by nightfall. Then I received a facebook message later that day from my new facebook friend:

“hey- i think i saw you at the x lounge on thursday? if so, you should stop making out with girls in public. thank you.”

Naturally, I just took this as the usual flak that a man takes when he makes poor choices like making out in public with some random chick. My embarrassment deepens a bit because I was reprimanded by an acquaintance, which only reinforces how shameful my behavior was. Then I get an instant message from the same guy later that night:

Bartender: You were sure giving out mixed messages at x lounge on saturday.

Me: Huh? What are you talking about?

Bartender: Well, you’re gay and yet I saw you making out with a girl the other night.

Me: I’m not gay (notthattheresanythingwrongwiththat).

Bartender: Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed! I just saw your facebook page said you were interested in men so I just assumed…

My blood ran cold. Of course I immediately checked my page to confirm what I already knew at this point to be true. Someone had changed my facebook page to say “interested in men.” I do a little research and realize that my facebook page had said I was gay for THREE MONTHS. At this point I was entering damage control. OMFG, how many people had I friended in the past three months? It had to have been at least 40-50 people. That’s not even including all of those pokes to chicks that have probably gone completely misinterpreted. Then I realized that about a month prior I had gone on one of those “old classmates” facebooking sprees. Fuck.

No wonder that gay bartender kept hitting on me. No wonder I got ten friend requests from gay people in the area within a couple months. No wonder that hot, local newscaster asked me if I was gay at that bar a few weeks ago. No wonder all those girls I meet out aren’t rushing me home to sleep with me. Because facebook told them I was gay.

I was pretty pissed off at first. Of course all my friends would know it was a joke, but there are a shit load of acquaintances that were getting the wrong idea. I change my page back to “interested in women,” and begin to cool off. If I didn’t notice for three months, then maybe no one else noticed either. This was the rationalization of a man trying to hold on to his last shred of dignity. While no one had messaged me about the sexuality preference while it was gay, as soon as I changed it back to straight the messages came pouring in. Here are some examples:

“Dude, don’t be offended by this, and I don’t care either way, but I saw you were interested in men and now you are interested in women. What’s the deal?’ - best friend from 10th grade

“You changed sides on us…shame on you!” - gay classmate from high school

“Sorry I thought you were gay, come into X Lounge and I’ll buy you a drink!” - the bartender himself

I am not sure what irritated me more: the fact that one of my asshole friends pulled this prank off for so long or the fact that so many people were surprised when I was no longer listed as gay on facebook. It was literally a month or so before I had to stop explaining the sudden, perceived change in my sexuality to my facebook acquaintances.

To this day, I have yet to hunt down the culprit of this socially damaging facebook prank. It’s actually been long enough now where I can laugh (and blog) about it, so I would love to know who was behind it and give them their proper credit. Well executed prank, asshole